Trials

On March 30th Matt and I found out that we were expecting our 3rd child. This was a complete shock to us since we were not trying for a 3rd child. If anything the months of February and March are off limits to conceive a child. Matt and Levi's birthday's are December 3rd and 4th and our anniversary is December 11th. What were we thinking????

Prior to finding out that I was pregnant on March 30th I had already taken 5 pregnancy tests and they were all negative!! I thought something was wrong with me because since I stopped taking my birth control last fall my cycles had been very irregular and in March I didn't even have a period. So off to the doctor I went not expecting to hear that I was pregnant. But nonetheless we were excited for the news.

It was still too early on March 30th to see anything on the sono so I went back on April 13th. There it was....a tiny little peanut. The heart was beating and it looked good. It was all very real at that moment. We didn't want to tell anyone too early for fear of the worst happening. None of our family knew that I was pregnant except for our parents and Matt's cousin whom we just saw this past weekend.

My doctor said I was only 5 weeks along and that my due date was December 9th. I honestly think that she was wrong. Seeing as how I was the one present for the conception of the child I figured my due date to be November 26th. That would put me at about 7 1/2-8 weeks pregnant. In pregnancy terms that's a big difference but since the baby was only measuring at 5 weeks that's what my doctor said.

This past Sunday morning I started to bleed. It wasn't just a little bit either. It was a lot. Having had 2 normal pregnancies before, this was not normal for me. I spoke with the on-call doctor at the office of my normal doctor. He informed me that it probably wasn't a good sign. The bleeding continued all day and into Monday.

Yesterday we went to my doctor and it was as expected, I had a miscarriage. I have cried for 3 days and I'm not sure when I will stop. My pain is so great right now. I thought for some reason I was exempt from having miscarriages because apparently I'm "fertile mertile" and my husband looks my way and I'm knocked up!! I thought this sort of thing only happens to people with fertility issues. But I was wrong!

I don't know if it would have made a difference in how I feel but maybe this process would have been easier had I not seen a heartbeat just 4 days prior. For me, from the moment I find out I'm pregnant my "motherly protection" mode kicks in. I don't sleep on my stomach, I protect my stomach from any sort of bumps or kicks from the kids as much as possible, and I try to limit myself as to how much I try to do for the first few months. I did everything I've always done. But this time it didn't work. Did I sleep wrong? Did I eat the wrong food? Did I over-do it and do too much? Did I bend over wrong? This is what my mind wrestles with every day.

I know this isn't my fault but I can't help but feel it is. I know I won't feel that way eventually but for now it's how I feel. I feel empty, pain, hurt, sadness, anger, frustration, depressed, and lonely. I long for the child that will never be in this life. I know that Heavenly Father needed that child more than me. He needed that child to be with him for whatever reason. I will come to appreciate that soon enough.

I feel that He wants to send me the perfect child and maybe that child wasn't perfect and it was His way of protecting us. I have to have faith and remember that everything happens for a reason. I have to know and remember that Heavenly Father has a plan for our family. This child might not have been alive for very long but it was a part of me. I was connected to it and loved it already.

We will try to have another child when we feel the time is right. Heavenly Father knows our desires for our family. I look at my two beautiful boys with so much more love than I already had for them. I am grateful that they made it here to Earth and I am allowed to be their mother.

My pain will subside soon enough. I have the comfort of knowing that I will see that child again someday. I post this to help with moving on. This has always been another way of getting my feelings out. But I do ask that if you read this and if you see me please do not ask me for more details. Not right now anyway. I have said everything I want to say here so that way I don't have to cry 5000 more times if people ask. I just don't want to have to explain everything and cry more.

Matt has been so wonderful through all of this. He is an amazing husband and support for me. I love him so much. Our family is closer and stronger because of this trial.

Now I must go and do some sort of project to keep my mind occupied. Have a great week!